DENNIS QUAID WILL FIRE HIS AGENT | Sept 11, 2003
COLD CREEK MANOR
In theatres Sept 19, 2003
Slooooooooooow.. and not in a good ‘le French Cinema’ way. Camerawork likened to a kid messing around with the ‘slow motion/skip frame’ button. Editing is plain, redundant and predictable. Same goes for the musical score. So many opportunities to create intriguing tangents, but chooses the unforgivable mediocre route. BEST PARTS, er, PART: Juliette Lewis and Dennis Quaid get drunk and stupid. And, sorry, its not what you think. I have nothing else to say except, “zzzzzzzzz”.
Cold Creek Manor. Is it a home invasion flick? A supernatural thriller? A murder mystery? The trailer doesn’t really tell you, and the film doesn’t really decide until the last half hour. This is a messy film. The story is concocted in a slapdash fashion with elements from multiple suspense and horror films (The Ring, The Shining, Amityville Horror, and Straw Dogs come to mind). It was definitely one of the most painful movie going experiences of the year for me.
The film drags on for what seems like days. It’s a tedious story about a family that gives up a dangerous city life for a more relaxed one in the country. Of course they decide to movie into an old spooky house with a sketchy history. And of course the previous owner is very unhappy with them occupying his family homestead. You also have some plot threads that are introduced and quickly discarded, such as the creepy Polaroid collection of amateur teen porn, the presence of Dorff’s son’s spirit that seems to be influencing Quaid’s son, and the history of disturbiong animal cruely at the farm. This film is the most straightforward tale I’ve seen all year. Every plot “development” you see a full half hour into the film. There are absolutely NO surprises.
Anyways the actors do the best they can with a halfassed script. Dennis Quaid does his best to look concerned as a Documentary Filmmaker who slowly notices something’s wrong in hickville. He never really finds a purpose until 2/3 of the way into the film. Steven Dorff plays the misogynistic animal lover with a penchant for underage girls. He’s got the prerequisite shady past and is also the previous owner of Cold Creek Manor. Sharon stone plays a hard-headed housewife who’s more frustratingly skeptical than Scully in the 6th season of the X-Files. Not only is she completely boring character, but aggravatingly stupid. Face it. Sharon Stone will never be interesting with her clothes on. The film also stars the girl who played Jodie Foster’s son in Panic Room.
That’s about all the time I want to spend on this review. Save your time and watch the trailer. The only good stuff is in it. I absolutely hated Cold Creek. Kris and I have lost 2 hours of our lives that we will never get back.
JUST FOR FUN, here are some catchphrases for ya:
* Cold Creek Manor, A suspense film you can take your grandma to.
* Cold Creek Manor, an alternative sleep aid for insomniacs.
* Middle aged women and undereducated teenage girls everywhere will love Cold Creek Manor.
* Cold Creek Manor sucks harder than Freddy Mercury in a roadside rest stop.
* If you hate surprises, Cold Creek Manor is for you.