MOVIE REVIEW . Derailed

by Chris   ⋅   November 14, 2005   ⋅   Comment now   ⋅    RSS

Kris and I actually snuck into Derailed after watching Jarhead. Smart, subtle, engaging, it was everything this film was not.

Derailed is the story of The Clive (Clive Owen), former teacher, Chicago ad exec (ugh….business people), engaged in a sexless marriage to a beautiful woman and father to a diabetic brat. One day, on his morning train commute, The Clive finds himself exceedingly short on funds and running risk of being thrown off the train. Thankfully a seemingly altruistic accountant Lucinda (Jennifer Aniston), offers to pay for his ticket. Lucinda has a daughter too (lol! Aniston having kids!), and a husband who is never around. Eternally grateful and ever horny, The Clive becomes obsessed with both paying Lucinda back, and getting her into the sack. Two days later, having had the requisite two conversations and drink at a bar required for a modern day courtship, the two decide to check into a hotel together. Letting Aniston’s perm-erect nipples lead the way, Clive finds himself in a seedy hotel, hoping to get suitably nasty. Lo and behold, this hotel is also the hangout of Vincent Cassel, who likes steal people’s wallets and rape ex stars of must-see TV! The Clive objects to the idea but Cassel is French, and so does as he pleases.

Later that night The Clive awakes, bloodied and bruised, and offers to help Lucinda. She politely declines, and the two go their separate ways. They neglect filing a police report for fear of revealing their attempt at Grecian safe sex to their significant others. But their terrors are not over. Cassel, though French, is unaccustomed to the idea of laissez faire, and seeks to extort The Clive, using nasty threats and rapper X-Ibit. At fist The Clive buckles, seeking to protect Lucinda, but as the threats and sums of money requested increase he realizes he must fight back. What follows is a tangled web of stupidity the likes of which The Clive thought could never have existed. Equipping himself with rapper The Rza, he heads toward the ultimate showdown, English versus French…or not.

But the stupid story wouldn’t be that much of a problem if the acting were any good. Yet again, the film fails. Aniston, looking thin and weathered, proves she is at best a small screen actress. It is beyond her capacity as an actress to carry even this small supporting role. Similarly, Owen, a widescreen star saddled with a single facial expression, never once comes across as scared, or enraged, or worried. Just–blank. Cassel made me laugh, but he always makes me laugh. A talented actor, he is sadly wasted in this film.

Previously I had listed Be Cool as the worst film I had seen all year. Well, it is still the worst film of the year, but Derailed comes close to dethroning it. Its title is surprisingly apt, since everything from story to acting to artistry come crashing down so gloriously, it’s as if its failure was premeditated from the projects inception. It’s almost like The Producers’ ‘Springtime for Hitler‘, only this disaster proved successful.

About the Author:

Chris Nelson admits to an attraction to the old padded Aniston. However he cannot get used to the new too-thin, Maniston. His favorite thrillers include Jacob’s Ladder and Mute Witness.

Related Articles

• No Related Post