ASIAN

DVD REVIEW . Chiseen

by Kris   ⋅   February 7, 2007   ⋅   Comment now   ⋅    RSS

Let me tell you about ABCs. No, not the alphabet, the acronym. It stands for “American Born Chinese” and Daniel Wu is one of the most famous ABC actors of the bunch. Like my brief idolatry of Kiefer Sutherland’s fearless punky vampire leader in Lost Boys, I had a thing for Daniel Wu’s badboy character in Jackie Chan’s New Police Story. I later found out through a Hong Kong friend that he was rumored to have studied Architecture at UC Berkeley. Wow, I suddenly had justification for my superficiality. Could he possibly have looks, talent, and brains? I checked out some of his older HK movies on VCD and was thankful that I only paid $4 for each of ‘em. The rest I borrowed from another HK friend who informed me that Daniel memorizes his lines phonetically, not really knowing what the heck he’s actually saying. This is actually desirable, she informed me, because Cantonese spoken with an American accent is “SO CUTE!!” If that was more than you wanted to know about Daniel Wu, be thankful that that is the extent of my knowledge. I’m not attracted to asian guys, but I’ve since discovered that Archie Kao from TV’s CSI is even cuter than the Wu-ster, although his appearances are too infrequent, boohoo.

When Chris, aware of my short-lived “DW Search”, finds a DVD with Wu, he’ll pass it on to me, which brings me to Chiseen, or Wu-ster’s version of Jackass, or Mild Hong Kong Jackass, I guess. Here Daniel invites his HK actor buddies to perform seemingly simple stunts, some of which go horribly wrong. Wu hosts a few segments: he coasts a Big Wheel (plastic tricycle for kids) down a curvy urban hill alongside minimal traffic, and indulging in a “street delicacy” in Hong Kong - canned silkworms. The worms actually looked pretty gross like fermented and brown and swishy, but later resembled yummy Greek dolmas. It’s not like Dave England downing a cow patty like a cookie or Chris Pontius swallowing horse semen like in Jackass 2, but I’ll give ‘em “Fear Factor” points.

The best sections are some of the most painful to watch. Not necessarily because they are the Steve-O type skits but the King of Pain this time is endearing (more like Pontius) and you cringe when he gets hurt. Min Yoo (an ABK) gets spanked with bamboo and spiky durian fruit (the latter stung the most), repeatedly burned with a punk (a long slow-burning stick used to light incense), shot with marble-sized ballbearings and roman candles. The rest of the pain highlights include a friendly game of “Let’s Take Turns Shocking our Tongues with an Electric Insect-Zapper”, sliding down an escalator and a flight of concrete stairs in a giant wok where one of the guys busted his tailbone. We only learn that in the following interviews though; the target audience for this kind of freeform sadism would’ve rather see the injured rolling in pain than hear about it.

I do give props to Chiseen for including what Jackass was missing: chicks. And not just any chicks; they roll with models and hot Chinese actresses. ABC and ex Wu flame Maggie Q (Live Free or Die Hard, Mission Impossible iii) is repeatedly “kidnapped” in public places, Josie Ho puts on a helmet to watch skaters, and there are recurring scenes with a tall emaciated woman who I can only assume is a famous model dragging a gimp sporting boxer shorts into restaurants and shopping malls. She later bravely gets “Chiseen” tattooed on her tongue, which is actually kinda cool if only it didn’t say “Chiseen”. The gimp later “escapes” and orders some fast food to get some laughs, only to find he is unable to eat because his hands are handcuffed. The waitress stares blankly and finally empathy strikes; she gives him a straw. Oh, and there are pretty girls who fart during fake MTV european boyband interviews, and strip in a crowded subway car.

The rest of Chiseen is yawn-inducing at best with lame dress-ups meant to shock, but passersby just pass by. There is little to no reaction from folks on the street that have been bred to ignore and accept. That’s probably the same reason why the Jackass scenes filmed in Japan were so disappointing. Or maybe grown men running around in oversized animal costumes just aren’t funny in any country.

That’s when it starts to get weird.

As if we didn’t get enough of the crappy parts of Chiseen, we are forced to view them again and again in repeat footage strings. What? There goes Daniel Wu down the hill on a Big Wheel again. There goes the gimp and the girl again. There goes Daniel Wu down the hill on a Big Wheel again. There goes the gimp and the girl again. Oy, wtf I was gypped paying for a wimpy 50min DVD disguised as a meaty 100min. With that in mind, I think Chiseen would best appeal to the star-crazed demographic who would applaud repeat scenes of their fave hotties.

About the Author

Kris Kobayashi-Nelson says these directors/screenwriters rarely disappoint: Peter Greenaway, Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Krzysztof Kieslowski, Gus van Sant. Gregg Araki. Kris claims that Jake Gyllenhaal, Cillian Murphy, Desmond Harrington and Casey Affleck are much more than pretty faces.