SHE SAID:
Now this is going to sound pretty superficial (but it’s a mainstream movie, so I’m allowed), the main reasons I wanted to see Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer were Julian McMahon and Jessica Alba. If you’re going to do the same, you might be disappointed. First of all, they made Alba look like a Christina Aguilera blow-up doll with cakey make-up, flat one-toned “blonde” wig and fake aqua contacts. Plus she makes a disturbing half frown when she’s supposed to be uber upset, yet her skin doesn’t move at all. That’s a bit frightening. Julian McMahon or Victor Von Doom is only in it for a flash, and in the beginning he’s hidden behind a wad of latex trying to be burnt skin, in the end he’s wearing that damn mask. I think I may be watching too many back episodes of Nip/Tuck because I couldn’t help but wonder if he’s now in need of an eyelid lift.

Anyway, enough of that catty chatty, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer was only marginally exciting (due to zippy CG but there’s no tension at all!), had one good joke involving a Stan Lee cameo amidst many campy wannabe riffs, and a lot of Flame dude. In fact, I vote that this movie be renamed to Redemption of Flame Dude! In the first FF movie, Johnny Storm was that cocky party-boy player that noone cared about. Even my friend who defended Jar Jar Binks said “man, that ‘flame on’ guy’s annoying!” In FF:RotSS (oops, unfortunate acronym), we’re to believe he’s grown a soul and may be yearning to settle down. A physical encounter with the Silver Surfer curses him with the ability to trade powers with those he comes into contact with, and his carelessness repeatedly plagues the team. Rough times, I know.

The Silver Surfer gets it worse; he’s captured and tortured by the military after the Four hijack his board. Worse yet, even though he’s voiced by powerfully throaty Lawrence Fishburne, he gets all cushy when Sue Storm repeatedly asks him really lame questions, giving Katie Couric competition. I kind of wished it was Samuel L. Jackson and they could go really campy with it: “shut up blondie and let me DO my Muthafuckin’ Job!” But then it wouldn’t be rated PG. But then again, Sue Storm says “this is really pissing me off!” amidst a boatload of inappropriate-for-kids sexist humor. But no worries, *SPOILER ALERT* things work out with the Silver Surfer and that gigantic cloud that devours planets and only one of the Four gets killed.

HE SAID:
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer is miles better than the original Fantastic Four, but the same could be said for Phat Girlz. In other words, anything can be said to be “better” when compared with an absolute turd. But how does the film fare when compared against its peers?

For the two of you who don’t know already, the main story concerns a series of environmental disturbances caused by the presence of the Silver Surfer, an alien being tasked with helping Galactus scout planetary buffets. Thus, not wanting the earth to be gobbled, the Fantastic Four try to stop him. Add to the mix a pending wedding between Sue Storm and Mr. Fantastic, and the return of Dr. Doom, and you have yourself a comic book sequel.

For a superhero film, FF:RotSS is fairly unbalanced. The action and special effects work are impressive, but the film is dragged down by a mix of domestic drama and sit-com setups that serve as the film’s back story. Honestly, a lot of this plays like a Super-Friends, with a Stretchy Ross, Wooden Rachel, and Flamey Chandler. It’s a bit awkward, and made further so due to the mix of annoying and uncharismatic actors that comprise the super-heroic quartet (okay, scratch that criticism for Michael Chiklis). In fact, Alba, whose resume already boasts a number of astoundingly bad performances, may in fact be worse here than she’s ever been before. I know it’s mean, but I think it’s time she seriously considered restricting her career to men’s magazines and sequels to Into the Blue.

But back to the action. Some of it is surprisingly cool. Some of it is even applause worthy. However, none of it is particularly memorable. After walking out of the theater, I was hard pressed to recall any of the action sequences I had just viewed. Instead,I vividly remembered the behavior of the freak father in the audience who lead his brethren to sit directly adjacent to us in a completely empty row. During the Transformer’s trailer he cough-shouted “Whoa” on every cut. During the film, when one of his sons whimpered in fright at the sight of Dr. Doom’s hooded face and scars, he replied with a stern “SHHHH!” And to think this fine specimen had not one, but three sons.

Alas, I think I’ve written enough for this film. Criticism aside, I found Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer to be a lot more entertaining than the rather dreadful Superman Returns or even the X-Men films, but definitely not as much as Spider-Man 2 or Cutie Honey (my personal favorite). Keep in mind, I’m not a comic book fan, and am growing rather tired of super hero films. Fantastic Four: RotSS is decent, but not quite worth recommending. If you do choose to see it, at least this time round you won’t kick yourself for having spent time with the Fantastic Four.

About the Authors

Chris Nelson and Kris Kobayashi-Nelson are the proud co-founders of dreamlogic.net. The adventurous soulmates occasionally take a break from ghost hunting, spelunking, programming, to view some killer flicks.