Longinus – This 40 minute action fest, concerning a battle between soldiers and vampires over the legendary Spear of Longinus (aka: the Spear of Destiny) has just about everything you would expect from director Ryuhei Kitamura: Mexican standoffs, macho dialogue, exploding heads, and yes, another terribly tedious story. Kitamura excels at creating visually interesting yet soulless action set-pieces. The camera work and lighting, using patches of light amongst thick shadows and fog, is top notch; much better than you see in films with comparable budgets here in the US. Music, as well, is sufficiently eerie, bolstering the overall mood of the film. And, of course, the fighters are amazingly talented. But somehow, even with all these plusses, no matter how hard Kitamura tries, no tension or excitement ever builds in the audience. Whether this is a problem with his editor, or his direction I’m not completely sure. Although I did enjoy Alive, Longinus is further proof that Kitamura is a director best enjoyed by the comicon set. Longinus is certainly better than Versus, Sky High, Godzilla: Final Wars, and Battle Field Baseball (produced by Kitamura), but that’s not exactly praise.

Kekko Kamen – A buxom superhero, clad in a mask, scarf, boots, and nothing else, protects the female students of the Satan’s Toenail school from its perverted staff, with twirling nunchucks and a patented flying spread-eagle-face-hugger attack. Kekko Kamen is a tale that would delight many a schoolboy. For anyone else, however, this five minute joke turned four-episode OAV will prove quite the ordeal. In fact, tt’s downright painful to watch. Every single episode, is exactly the same. A timid young coed with a terrible academic record is kidnapped and tortured by a new school employee in an effort to get her to think seriously about her studies. The perverse torture (ranging from tickling to whipping) lasts for roughly 10 minutes while the principal looks lasciviously on Finally, Kekko Kamen saves the day. A few new jokes are introduced every other episode, but for the most part it’s the same damn thing over and over again. Inexplicably Go Nagai’s series has spawned (at least) three live action films. Count me out on those.

The Promise – I really don’t care to review this film, but I need a third. Its inane story is a chore to get through. For all the money spent on its production (the mose expensive film in Chinese history) its CG effects, of a caliber less than that of Young Sherlock Holmes, are downright unforgivable. And, as beautiful as the costume and set designs are, the seemingly novice camerawork, dull fight choreography, and soap opera acting (Cecilia Chung especially) renders even those small victories null and void. It’s certainly not any worse than our recent watches, Enter the Phoenix or Chinese Tall Story, but those films were never trying to be art in the first place. With all of director Chen Kaige’s lofty goals in mind, The Promise is a career ending, terrible, expensive belly-flop of a film. The film’s distributors should apologize to its viewers, and reimburse them for having wasted time watching it. Mr. Kaige, it’s time to retire.

Chris Nelson is a Technical Writer in the Silicon Valley. He is currently studying for a Software Engineering degree at San Jose State University.