Ghost Rider — movie review
Ghost Rider was almost like a chick flick with some cool CG. Seriously, where was all the action? I know it was PG-13 but it was so sad. There were too many terribly awkward scenes devoid of chemistry, sexual tension or interest drawn out between Eva Mendes (Roxanne Simpson) and Nicolas Cage (Johnny Blaze). I have nothing against Eva Mendes, but with such a tinny voice, it might be best to keep her lines to a minimum. And there were plenty of reasons (or well two obvious ones thanks to ultra tight blouses and a Wonderbra) that gave Mendes more presence than any Shakespearean soliloquy ever could, much to the delight of males PG-13 age and up.
On the opposite side of the spectrum, after spending a gajillion hours at the gym, Nick Cage showed off his new 12-pack in only one shirtless scene. The fight scenes were scarce and quick. There were four trenchcoated baddies and they were much too much too easy to vanquish. Three represented commanders of the elements which is an exciting idea to begin with; I thought they would work together to freeze Ghost Rider’s flames or something. One guy didn’t even use his power, he just drove a semi cab before his defeat. But a mortal could’ve done that too. Hmm. Their leader was none other than Wes “ooh that plastic bag is the most beautiful thing and I’m gonna film it (American Beauty)” Bentley, who was a little difficult to recognize because he was a little chubbier, or in his case, a little more normal-sized. Bentley portrays Beelzebub’s son Blackheart, and like any hot-headed (haha) heir, he wants to get the goods early, and murdering his father sounds like a great idea. He has no morals okay.. he has no soooul! Note that.
So Blackheart treks out with his equally overly-dramatic buddies and kills a bunch of people in a biker bar out in the middle of the desert just for kicks using his trippy life-suckage technique, but the wacky local Texas police pin all the murders on Johnny Blaze. The cops reason that it must be Johnny, since weird things began to happen as soon as he returned home. Eh? Sure they found his charred motorcycle license plate wedged in the asphalt trench his bike made all over town, but how is that connected to the life-suckage technique? The only thing I agree with the police at this point is how the hell is Johnny Blaze going to pay for all the property damage?? They throw him in jail, but what they didn’t know was that when he was a teen, Johnny unwittingly sold his soul to the Devil who promised to heal his father’s illness if he joined Team Hell.
Johnny grew up to become Mephistopheles’ Ghost Rider, or bounty hunter, whose greatest power is turning people’s evil against them, burning their tainted souls in some awesome activated-charcoal-for-corneas CG. He busts out of jail, strewing cronies about, lastly pointing at a colored kid in the corner, proclaiming him “innocent”. This was so cool because it was like pointing out corrupt racist cops. Ghost Rider hops on his amazing CG bike that made me grin ear to ear because it was so cool and so loyal, off to fight using weird juvenile insults or taglines we’ve heard Nick Cage say in other movies, like “let’s ride” (from Gone in 60 Seconds).
I was saddened that Nick Cage only got to be signature Nick Cage once, when he was being interviewed by Roxanne for a TV News spot. Other times he seemed like he was on valium and stuck in a jellybean commercial, swigging red and yellow candy in cocktail glasses in lieu of liquor, swooning to the Carpenters instead of death metal, watching the Discovery Channel.
Anyway, in case you haven’t already guessed, the Devil calls upon his personal bounty hunter to axe his son, but Ghost Rider is powerless against this soulless villain and must find another way filled with trippy CG to defeat him.
If it seems like this review is a play-by-play of the special effects, I’m afraid that’s all Ghost Rider has going for it. But the effects are definitely worth a peek. Despite my initial disappointment, I thought it was a pretty interesting attempt at the lazy screenwriter’s darling: the comic book adaptation. And although there is a shaky storyline, I really like how it deals with a superhero who is shunned by society after enjoying crazy popularity as a mortal. A superhero who sees himself as a monster until he understands how he can use his power to aid others, or more importantly, revenge. Plus, he has a badass flaming chain whip woohoo!
While you won’t witness slick stylization like Sin City or the upcoming 300, or an interesting love-hate relationship like Daredevil, or a grand storyline like Spiderman, Ghost Rider is still a wild ride.
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