News Cap — 06/02/06
Don’t count your chickens before they’re hatched. Also, don’t play with your chickens either. An Indonesian family recently lost their young son and daughter to the deadly H5N1 virus, or in layman’s terms, the skanky bird flu. That brings the reported death toll in Indonesia to 37, and 127 worldwide.
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Frito Lay, the king of crisps, felt so horrible about tricking consumers into purchasing their olestra-laden snacks that they are going to paste blatent labels featuring the Olean logo on their bags. They are also going to give $150,000 to the Harvard Med School Nutrition division. Consumers who suffered severe stomach cramps and rumbly nether regions threatened to sue because they claim Frito Lay simply changed their “Wow!” brand name to “Light” and they just thought they were living in a magical land where regular potato chips suddenly had half the fat and a Procter & Gamble branch doesn’t lie. The Center for Science in the Public Interest also presented their intent to sue. All because some Massachusetts woman complained about her diarrhea. So who says one person can’t change the world?
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The population of the world’s second largest economy is slowly dwindling. The solution: have more babies. Japan’s fertility rate has been steadily decreasing, due to arduous working hours and lack of companies who support working mothers. Japan is also not one to welcome immigrants, limiting their percentage to 3%.
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A 300 mile diameter crater in East Antarctica (you know, the ghetto side of Antarctica) was discovered yesterday, buried under all that ice. Some believe this proves that meteor-shower-murdering-dinosaurs theory. Smash!
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Why are Canadians so lucky? Not only do they have the Butchart Gardens and (according to Chris) the worst pizza known to man, they also incur incredibly strict smoking bans to save non-smokers’ lungs.
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Guess how much the CEO of Yahoo! makes per year. Just guess. $100,000? $300,000? $450,000? Try a buck. Since 2004, Google execs have lived quite comfortably on their $1 salaries, although they are heavily compensated through stock options and grants. Yahoo! decided to copy-cat them, announcing today that Terry Semel will forego his usual $600,000/year. In 2005, he reportedly made $173.6 million through stocks alone. I think I’m going to go throw up now.
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Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and Little Shop of Horrors may come to mind when you hear what I’m about to tell you. Global warming is contributing to a scary strain of out-of-control poison ivy. Poison Ivy thrives on elevated CO2 levels and because it’s a parasitic vine, it will leech off and suffocate entire forests, which in turn, creates more CO2. Brutal.
