News Cap — 08/01/06
Oh, I could bore you do death about what you’re already being bombarded with on the news channels/periodicals: Global Warming, Israel/Hezbollah, Bush’s stem cell research veto, Tony Blair’s public castration part II, Fidel Castro’s bowels, but I won’t. Instead, here are more of the oddball stories you love. But don’t come crying to me whining about how uniformed you were as you shrivel up like a raisin in the 130 degree shade when the bombs come.
However, I will leave you with an image of the official Hezbollah flag, which shows an AK-47 poetically floating above the world on a subtle cheap mustard yellow background (how sunny!):
FAT VACCINE ONLY FOR SKINNY RATS FOR NOW
Well it worked for some rats, will it work for humans? Not likely, say the Scripps Research Institute team, noting the drug that targets a hormone which supresses appetite won’t even be available for human testing for quite some time. So while dieters everywhere cross their fingers, I’ll bet back at the lab, scientists are holding itty bitty little fashion shows.
SNOOTY BUS MUSIC
Well, not really snooty, but classical music is now being played on Lithuanian public transits in efforts to bring a little dose of culture to the people. Wait, culture to Lithuanians? Aren’t these the people who brought us such musical marvels such as polyphony folk and the Vilnius Jazz Festival? (Actually, the second one is pretty cool, but where would Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind be without the first?)
ONE PART GORILLAZ + ONE PART CLASH + ONE PART VERVE
Brits Unite!! Damon Albarn (I’m always sure I’ve spelled his name incorrectly) is forming a new band with the Clash’s bass player Paul Sinonon and Verve guitarist Simon Tong. Their first single is cited for release in October, with a follow-up album in Jan 2007 entitled The Good The Bad and The Queen, which is probably more of a political statement than a personality profile. Damon is also supposedly writing a stage musical about Notting Hill, that will delve into the musical innovations of the region, rather than focus on shitty love scenes between Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts.
BRITISH MONOPOLY IS FOR MODERN KIDS
Kids grow up so quickly. Case in point, the British Monopoly game version comes with Visa cards in lieu of the famous paper currency. Theres even a cute little machine to “swipe” the cards with. Wonder when the first Monopoly Hacker/Identity Thief will emerge.
MEXICO HAS A POLICE ACROBATICS TEAM
What, you don’t believe me? Yes, stacked up high and forming a proud pyramid on government issued motorcycles, Mexico has surpassed America in the most frivolous taxpayer-funded occupation category. At least we still have the laziest school teachers on the planet. Ha! Take that Mexico!
WOMAN DEPLANED OVER GUCCI
I may be a tomboy, but even I think the Gucci ‘Chain’ hobo is pretty darn cute. I don’t know which bag this lady had, but she was kicked off a Cathay airplane departing Hong Kong because she refused to stow it in the overhead bin, delaying the flight for an hour. My question: did she actually think that she bought an authentic Gucci in HK?
CANCER-CURING MUSHROOMS
What groovy hippies and naysayers of reality have been saying for decades are finally finding merit. First, medicinal marijuana. Not really a “cure”, but sure gives terminally ill patients the munchies. Now, slightly more scientific is the discovery that a shroom Phellinus linteus (yah like you know) can intensify the effects of a particular chemotherapy drug. The bad news? You must develop prostate cancer first.
