News Cap — 11/01/06

by Kris   ⋅   November 1, 2006   ⋅   Comment now   ⋅    RSS

Hoo boy it’s time for another News Cap! Man, I wish I had the time to write these every day! Truth is stranger than fiction.

John Kerry, the most unpopular man in the Nation. “You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” This is the statement that got everyone’s shorts in a bundle for some odd, mystifying, GOP-domineering way. How the hell did people take offense at this, or more importantly, blindly follow anyone who took offense at this? Kerry doesn’t owe anyone an apology. George Dubya sent the troops there; make him give the apology. That was the whole meaning behind the statement anyway. Sheesh!

Hey, those are MY nuts! I guess there’s a black market for everything.. even nuts. Perps were arrested when they caught trying to sell the reported 88,000 pounds (worth $135K) of almonds they stole from a processing plant in aptly named Ripon, California. Confessing to allegations of squirrel schizophrenia, the thieves are now undergoing psychiatric counseling in (where else?) the nut house.
NOTE: that last sentence is fabricated and dreamlogic bears no legal responsibility to any misinterpretation thus admonished in this disclaimer. Thank you for your time, you greedy litigious crazies.

Mmmm. Salad from Hell. First there was spinach e. coli, then carrot juice botulism, now it’s salmonella laced lettuce. As you know, salmonella is usually a raw chicken or egg thang, but government officials are pointing the finger to the leafy greens again. They say it could also be linked to the sinister killer tomato. Dundundunnnn. The 171 people purchased purported plagued produce spent spells collapsed prone or pooping.

Eat Curry. Stay Smart. Ahhh, curry. Yummy in my tummy! A study was released touting tumeric (the stuff that makes curry yellow) which contains curcumin, a powerful anti-oxidant which not only suppresses skin cancer, but can possibly stave away dreaded Alzheimers. My question, did they need another study to prove that Asian diets make you smart? Caveat emptor: the wily spice can also cause damage to your internal organs, so please eat it in moderation and not 5x a week like the Kobayashi-Nelson household has been known to do.

Myth Busted: Married Women are Having the Most Sex. A study concluded that married women have the most sex, and therefore are at the highest risk for sexually transmitted diseases. So I guess this study also craftily concludes that these women (or their spouses) are not June Cleaver (monogamous to a tee) and/or the survey is based on complete Soap Opera fantasy polls.

Bob Barker Retires, Save Cats. Wow. I didn’t even know he was allowed to retire. I assumed he was in a contract until death. Well good for him! After 35 years of hosting TV’s Price is Right (aka, the gameshow with the most antiquated props), Barker has decided that he’s had enough of fanatical fans trying to hug and kiss him, which oftentimes appeared as though they were boa constrictor-ing the poor gangly-framed dude. After his last show in June, Barker said he will spend the first few weeks of retirement sitting around just to see what it’s like to be bored, after which he will dedicate his time to working on Animal Rights issues. Aw, what a sweetie.

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