Just counting down the time before China kills us, kills us ALL*! One way or another, it seems inevitable. And it seems so easy for them to do it too. Why?? Because we let them that’s why!! Greedy companies fail to investigate and inspect the Chinese companies they import from or else they are willingly in cahoots so that everyone’s pockets get fatter. Not only are there unhealthy working conditions but water and air pollution and – okay, just the fact that it’s IMMORAL should hoist red danger …

Something about this case makes me chuckle. Chicago eighth graders were subjected to the horror that is forbidden rural man love when a substitute teacher slyly popped in Brokeback Mountain to educate the kids. “What happens in Ms. Buford’s class stays in Ms. Buford’s class,” the makeshift mentor allegedly said as the door closed. 12-year-old Jessica Turner and her grandparents Kenneth and LaVerne Richardson are suing the Chicago Board of Education for $500,000 in damages since Jessica suffered so much psychological distress.
This lawsuit does not entirely stem …

UK Prime Minister Tony Blair announced today that he will resign on June 27th. He is the only one in UK history besides Margaret Thatcher to last a full 10 years in office. Even though most of the country distrusts him (similar to our country’s leader’s falling popularity rating) he holds steadfast to his belief that sending British troops in 2003 to assist America’s Iraq invasion was a spot-on deal. Tony Blair was probably best known in anti-war circles as Dubya’s puppet boy. Or at least …

Honeybees are dying and noone knows why. Beekeepers are baffled and scientists are speculating, but there is no solution in sight. Even with UCSF molecular biologist who isolated the SARS virus Joe DeRisi on the job. Recent tests have almost ruled out pesticides. The cause could be a parasite, virus, bacteria. According to one concerned citizen, the “Bee rapture” must’ve summoned the bees to Heaven, another blames Kevin Federline.
The striped winged single stingers are key pollinators for the nation’s produce, nut and grain crops. …

Global warming was supposed to be at its worst in 2050. That seemed like an alarmingly short time away, but studies now show that the Arctic ice cap (aka: the North Pole) is melting 30 years ahead of predictions, which means unbearable temperatures are just a little over a decade away. That means in our lifetime, so listen up all you skeptics who want to pass the buck to the next generation.
If you’ve kept up with environment news, you already know that the glaciers are melting from …

Toilets filled with water aren’t usually the first thing you’d think would catch on fire. Earlier this month, some bidets in Japan defied common knowledge and their manufacturer Toto is in the “hot seat” so to speak. Sorry I just couldn’t resist. “The fire would have been just under your buttocks,” said a company representative. “Fortunately nobody was using the toilets when the fire broke out and there were no injuries”. Although, who would really admit it. It’s no secret that Japan is crazy for …

Okay, in case you’ve missed out on some juicy celebrity gossip, here’s all you need to know to catch up quick:
Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel have the same taste in men. Rock-hard Ryan Reynolds called off his longtime engagement to Alanis Morissette in February and has quickly moved on to Scarlett Johansson who says things like, “I don’t think human beings are monogamous by nature. It’s difficult – you have to put a lot of effort into a relationship. I think it’s hard for actors to date each other because …

With Valentine’s Day nearly a week away, it seems evident that world news is trying to tell us something: Love Stinks.
A Fetid Flower for Your Sweetheart? Global warming forces the world’s god-awful smelliest plant to bloom early. The UK’s Eden Project’s Sumatran Titan Arum, also dubbed the Corpse Flower, is also the world’s largest, a towering 6′4″ display of stench. It uses its unique odor (categorized by spectators as a combination of “rotten cheese, dog poo and something dead”) to attract flesh flies and beetles for …

…you probably don’t even care about Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld resigning or the Democrats rising to majority House rule. No, no you only care about Britney’s break-up.
Britney Spears seems to have tired of the sperm bank she called a husband and made a bee line for splitsville with Kevin Federline. I know, shocking isn’t it? I mean they did get matching pink and blue dice wrist tattoos. Ironically, if Baby Cannon Britney gains custody of their two insta-sons, he may end up owing her alimony. …

Hoo boy it’s time for another News Cap! Man, I wish I had the time to write these every day! Truth is stranger than fiction.
John Kerry, the most unpopular man in the Nation. “You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don’t, you get stuck in Iraq.” This is the statement that got everyone’s shorts in a bundle for some odd, mystifying, GOP-domineering way. …

What could be worse than e.coli in Salinas spinach/irrigation water? Bugs Bunny Botulism! Bolthouse Farms Carrot Juice* is widely distributed to many U.S. markets such as Whole Foods and Costco, and usually a tasty treat on the rocks for Chris. But it was in Canada a couple of weeks ago, when two Torontonians thought they were getting healthy and wound up paralyzed. According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control), foodborne botulism symptoms include double or blurred vision, drooping eyelids, slurred speech, dry mouth, and muscle …

Bush Goes AWOL * Schwarzenegger Goes Global * Stingy Stanford * Drive-thru 7-11 * Airline Peep Show

With the launch of Ollie Stone’s WTC comes a certain panic among certain citizens. I, on the other hand just want the lines to move along, move along.
In June, the Federal Security circuit buzzed over plans to make SFO the first airport to screen all passenger plane cargo with x-ray machines and bomb-sniffing dogs. They executed it yesterday, resulting in long lines and a lot of arm crossing, wristwatch glancing and heavy sighs. Today, SF Mayor Gavin Newsom (who never misses a photo op, but at …

Oh, I could bore you do death about what you’re already being bombarded with on the news channels/periodicals: Global Warming, Israel/Hezbollah, Bush’s stem cell research veto, Tony Blair’s public castration part II, Fidel Castro’s bowels, but I won’t. Instead, here are more of the oddball stories you love. But don’t come crying to me whining about how uniformed you were as you shrivel up like a raisin in the 130 degree shade when the bombs come.
However, I will leave you with an image of the official Hezbollah flag, …

MIAMI VICE IS BETTER THAN PIRATES
Well, I’m not saying it’s better, but it’s making box office history. I guess Colin Farrell should stalk kids more often.
MEL GIBSON IS AN ALCOHOLIC JEW-BASHER
Mad Max got real drunk and real anti-Semitic after being pulled over by a deputy in L.A. Whoa, all the theological brownie points he collected making “Passion of the Christ” just went down the crapper.
MICK JAGGER IS FUNNY
Now Jeff Goldblum can put this on his resume: “interchangeable with Mick Jagger”. When Goldblum turned down a role for …

Nazis, Terrorists, Measles, oh my!

Beware of Chickens * Death to Dinosaurs * Japan poopoos Sex and Immigrants * No Smoking in Canada * Yahoo! CEO Earns His Keep * Frito-Lay is Evil * Ginormous Poison Ivy

3-armed baby * Real life Suicide Circle * 8 new species found in Israel * Oasis better than Beatles? * DMX no more * Is Anna Nicole Smith pregnant or just attention-starved?