The untold Easter story starring Satan

by Kris   ⋅   April 10, 2007   ⋅   Comment now   ⋅    RSS

So you thought Easter was about celebrating Jesus’ resurrection with chocolate eggs, marshmallow bunnies and glazed ham, eh? Well, I’m here to inform you of the true origin of Easter.

I always knew that Easter was based on a Pagan custom, but I wanted to learn more. Curiosity led me to websearch Easter stories, and paintings of Satan kept popping up. I soon found out that he played an integral part, helping Babylonian Queen Semiramis to become a goddess who was later named Ishtar (prounounced “Easter”) after her husband Nimrod’s death. Some guy named Nimrod was reason enough to keep researching.

Nimrod was the evil evil great-grandson of Noah (yes, the Arc guy) and grandson of Ham which is why some believe we eat Ham on Easter, er, ham. It was rumored that Nimrod was not only a tyrant who forced citizens to denounce God, but a head priest of the occult. Makes sense as he simply replaced one deity with another.

Weird enough for ya? Well, let the perversion continue: Nimrod was actually Semiramis’ son. Yes, it wouldn’t be an ancient tale without incest.

Upon his death, Nimrod’s body was chopped up into many pieces and distributed around the kingdom, probably because he was such an ass. Semiramis searched and searched but couldn’t find his reproductive organ, so she couldn’t properly resurrect his body. But no worries, she proclaimed him the Sun-god Baal and her good buddy Satan made her the Moon-goddess Ishtar. Ishtar insisted that she hatched from a giant egg that fell from the heavens into the Euphrates River, and with all that egg talk, added goddess of fertility to her resumé. The 28-day cycle (for the moon and women’s fertility charts) was also proclaimed back then, which is fitting since those Babylonian time-nuts created an awesome 12-month calendar and the 24-hour day. Also, Easter Sunday is always the first Sunday after the full moon following the Spring Equinox. Coincidence? I think not.

Ishtar had a son, some say through adultery but she claimed immaculate conception which is a convenient explanation for adultery, isn’t it? The bouncing baby boy was named Tammuz, which would later be translated from Jewish into the Julian/modern-day calendar as “June” which has nothing to do with this Easter story, but I thought that was cool. Little Tammuz was so fond of rabbits that they were proclaimed as sacred animals, hence the special Easter Bunny. Tammuz became a hunter and was killed by a wild pig (karma for being a hunter probably), so of course he also had a psuedo resurrection ceremony in Spring, when his mother’s tears brought him back from the Underworld. Hmm, so that’s three people popping back from the dead. Easter is sounding more like a zombie story.

This is where it gets interesting or really really silly. For Ishtar’s Sunday (the annual ceremony for her dead son), they ate sacred cakes with a “T” or a cross demarcation (hot cross buns) and because Tammuz was killed by a pig, everyone had to eat pork. Dyed eggs were considered sacred Easter offerings. They performed a sunrise service honoring Baal. Prior to this big celebration, Ishtar decreed a forty-day no-meat rule (Lent). Ishtar also decreed a trinity of her “happy” yet estranged family as “Father, Son and Spirit” and citizens had to cross themselves with a “T” for Tammuz. Sound familiar?

So there’s the untold Easter story. It’s no more far-fetched than some dude that turned water into wine and walked on water coming back to life, is it? Just wait for my Pagan rendition of Christmas and Groundhog Day.

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