CELEBS

You’ve Been Under a Rock!

by Kris   ⋅   April 11, 2007   ⋅   Comment now   ⋅    RSS

Okay, in case you’ve missed out on some juicy celebrity gossip, here’s all you need to know to catch up quick:

Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Biel have the same taste in men. Rock hard Ryan Reynolds called off his longtime engagement to Alanis Morissette in February and has quickly moved on to Scarlett Johansson who says things like, “I don’t think human beings are monogamous by nature. It’s difficult - you have to put a lot of effort into a relationship. I think it’s hard for actors to date each other because they are so damn moody”.

The bleach blonde babbler, who recently admitted that her dream date would be Patrick Swayze, has been double dipping and spit swapping with Jessica Biel’s fellas. Over a month ago, Biel had been caught smooching Reynolds and Justin Timberlake, who Scarlett supposedly hooked up with briefly after appearing in his music video. Scarlett also hinted in the upcoming issue of Seventeen magazine, “you’re going to be linked with somebody… If it’s somebody one week, it’s going to be somebody else the next. It’s me or Jessica Biel.”

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K-Fed has his own search engine. I wonder if he can use a computer. His site wins the “creepiest photo ever” award, but according to Chris’ friend who sent him the link, you can win stuff pretty easily. I haven’t used it yet, but I read that on the launch date, if you image searched “douchebag”, K-Fed’s pic would pop up.

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Matching hardbodies Fergie and Josh Duhamel (Turistas, Transformers) have been dating since 2004 (!) and my gosh is she tiny. And you know she’s wearing heels. Signature four-inch stillettos at that.

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Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon are dating. Actually they were linked shortly after she filed for divorce late last year from a seven-year marriage to Ryan Phillipe. Reese reportedly banned cellphone usage on the set of Rendition (Gyllenhaal is her co-star) because she didn’t want anyone to take photos of the pair and spread rumors that would hurt her during the custody battle for her two children. To the left is a pic of them outside her trailer on set with Jake in an unfortunate floppy wrist position.

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Eva Longoria has big ‘ol man hands.

Her fiancé is a basketball star so their future children are guaranteed to be palmy. I think she’s lucky in a way; I’m always dropping stuff with my meager mitts.

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Paris and Nicole BFF again. Since, like, October or something the spoiled skinnies realized how silly they were being and just made up already. Because of this, Paris had to dump her placeholder BFF Kim Kardashian, refusing to go to her birthday party last Friday because she’s a one woman woman, but mostly because she was furious that the media was giving Kim more attention. However, this briefly took the focus off the airhead heiress’ recently inflatable-at-will boobs.

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Proven wacko Bai Ling told Star magazine that one of her proven pick-up lines is “are you gay?”

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Mandy Moore’s friend calls her pal’s ex-boyfriend Zach Braff “a really bad combination of narcissistic and immature”. Shocking.

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Spiderman 4 to actually be meaningful. Rumors that Sam Raimi wants Jake Gyllenhaal to replace Tobey Maguire forced Tobey to nervously rethink his previous plans to retire the Spidey suit. He said he would do it on one condition, “[it] all depends on if there’s a story worth telling.” Who knew he was so deep?

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Kirsten Dunst tokes, blames Carl Sagan. “I drink moderately, I’ve tried drugs. I do like weed. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does. My best friend Sasha’s dad was Carl Sagan, the astronomer. He was the biggest pot-smoker in the world and he was a genius. I’ve never been a major smoker, but I think America’s view on weed is ridiculous. I mean — are you kidding me? If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place.”

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Elizabeth Hurley married human conehead Arun Nayer and wore 13 different wedding dresses for two weddings, changing at least three times a day for the one ceremony in merry ‘ol England and for the three-day wedding extravaganza in India, stating “every time someone looks at me I must be wearing something different”. Hurley and her new hubby disrespected so many sacred customs and people (including his father) in his native country that the pair faces three years jailtime, pursued by numerous prosecutors (including his father).

About a month ago when Chris told me Elizabeth Hurley announced she was going to get married and go live on a farm I was like “oh cool, she’s so down-to-earth”, but after reading about their uncouth behavior, shameless selfishness and 14-carat rock (replica pictured above left), I realize she’s just an over-the-top golddigger.

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Okay, that’s enough now, I think my brain’s gone numb.